how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
