You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
