Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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