So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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