I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
