Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize