No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
