I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We are two peas in an std pod
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Floor bacon is actually really good
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
