dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize