dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
