dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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