I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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