I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
