textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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