Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
