my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like abortions should bother me more
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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