Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
