You can't motorboat a personality
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
