I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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