people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
