dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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