I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
