Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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