Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
