hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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