I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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