I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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