Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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