I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
