if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize