If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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