You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
