she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
