there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
