so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
