his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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