Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
As shirtless as possible
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
