shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
