Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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