OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
