Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
