Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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