I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize