I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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