wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
