im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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