mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Where are you guys?
Drunk
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
