why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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