you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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