I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
