Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
