im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i wish my penis had a tongue
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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