She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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