Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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