we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
